Wait! Did I say “considered”? Well, yes! And I know what you’re thinking, but I promise it’s not what you think. You see, I met my husband in 2012 (over 12 years ago), and within 1 month, we started dating. It was love at first sight for me (don’t know about him š¤©), so when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I didn’t hesitate to say yes, even though I played hard to get for about two weeks while hoping he wouldn’t give up š.
I was intimidated around him, probably due to the age difference, but I felt in my spirit that he was all I needed at that point in my life.
He was my first everything! Aside from being a lover, he played the role of both father and mother because I didn’t have any support around at that time. He was the first person I called if I needed advice or someone to talk to.
Our relationship went smoothly for about a year, but it became on and off when I found out about his supposed main chick, who wouldn’t stop threatening me. Ah! I can’t coke and die on top man matter so I distanced myself from him. I would literally go months, and at one point, a year, without taking his calls or seeing him, but eventually, we would come back together and then separate again š¤£. I can’t even explain how difficult it was for both of us to move on. I remembered relocating to another town just so he wouldn’t come looking for me. I also left my place of work so he wouldn’t come back there to ask for reconciliation.
The back and forth continued until one day, during one of our makeup days, he asked me to marry him, and my first response was, “You and who? Oga, rest! because I can’t marry you.” Yes, I still loved him, but marriage felt like too much. As far as I knew, I wasn’t ready to get married. In fact, I had told my mum a year prior that I wasn’t ever going to get married. I guess, seeing my young and beautiful married neighbor get beaten and maltreated every day by her husband made me develop Gamophobia.
He was persistent, but I ran away. I stopped taking his calls and would ask him to leave when he came to my house.
Despite his efforts, I was scared, scared of many things.
He traveled down to my village (from Lagos to Abia state) to meet my mum just so he could tell her his intention and beg her to please talk to me. After many back and forth, I decided to take a deep breath, ask him questions, and think things through. I booked a date with him so we could talk. I’ll be sharing with you five of the questions I asked him and five of the things I considered on my own.
5 questions I asked my husband before I said yes to him
1. Why do you want to marry me?
I asked this question because I believed that I wasn’t the only girl in his life, even though he wouldn’t admit it. “What’s the motive? Why me?” At this point, I was conscious of every nuance in his body language, looking straight into his eyes because someone wasn’t about to lie to me š . He said what he said, and I was pleased.
2. You drink alcohol a lot, and I can’t marry a man who drinks excessively.
This is a big deal for me and I told him that. “Although you don’t misbehave when you drink, I can’t settle for someone who consumes that much alcohol every day. So many things could go wrong in the futureāheart failure, misbehavior, etc.” He promised to stop drinking. Did he stop? No! But he went from 8 bottles almost daily to 2 bottles once or twice a week, which was cool because I also drink occasionally. Ironically, he was the one who introduced me to alcohol š.
3. If you cheat on me, what do you think I should do to you!?
I asked the is question because I wanted to make my stance clear on the matter. I’m not interested in whether men are polygamous in nature or not. Anyhoo, My guy said he wouldn’t cheat, but if it happened, I should find out what happened because he wouldn’t cheat on me with his right senses. Well, I made it clear that I would walk away. I have zero tolerance for cheating in marriage.
4. If, peradventure, we are unable to have children, what will you do?
At first, he rejected it (I reject it too), but I insisted on getting an answer because I needed to know how calm and supportive he’d be in case of any delay in childbearing. I wanted to understand his stance on adoption, surrogacy, and other fertility options. Besides, I didn’t want the kind of pressure and treatment that is being meted out to other women facing similar issues. I’m glad I asked because who would have thought that I would struggle with childbearing.
5. Do you have any secrets I need to know?
I asked this question not because I was interested in his past, but because I wanted him to tell me if there’s anything he did that could impact our marriage negatively now or in the future. I didn’t want any surprises at all. I was looking out for things like if he had a child, a criminal record, or visited voodoo places for any reason at all. etc.
Those were the five questions I asked him. It was a deep conversation where phones weren’t allowed. And I was at least 80% satisfied with the answers he gave. I know some people ask about things like finance, future plans, and stuff like that, but those weren’t as important to me because I know plans can change and we can always work out what’s best for us in that regard.
5 things I considered on my own before I said yes to my husband
So aside from the 5 questions I asked him, I had 5 other important things I thought about before IĀ finally said yes to him. Here they are:Ā
1. His friends:
What type of friends does he have? Are they responsible? What do they discuss when they are together? What kind of advice do they give each other? To get answers to some of these questions, I started paying attention to his friends and their conversations on the phone and when we hung out.Ā
2. His family
I see so many women suffer in marriage because of the kind of family they married into. It’s either the mother-in-law, sisters-in-law, father-in-law, or brother-in-law is always making trouble directly or instigating the husband against the wife. , I don’t have the strength for my in-law’s problem so I took my time to study his family. Being that I’m a very sensitive person, it was easy to discern the kind of family he’s coming from. I figured that they are peace-loving people.
3. The sustainability and scalability of his business:
Oh yes! I looked at the nature of his business and if it is sustainable and scalable. I wanted to be sure that we can at least feed daily no matter the situation of the economy and that we can grow the business eventually.
4. His house:
This might seem vain, but it’s something that matters to me. My standard was at least 2 rooms and a parlor. I’m a very private person, more like a loner, and most times, I need my own space. So getting married to a man who lives in one room or a room and a parlor wouldn’t have made me happy. Imagine having kids plus a visitor. Oh no! But he lives in a 3-bedroom, and that’s very cool. Yaay! Caveat: this is my standard, and I have reasons for setting such a standard, so if you are reading this, you don’t necessarily have to go by this standard. Everyone’s journey is different. Some people started from one room, and God blessed them from there. So yeah, do what works for you. But would I have married him if he lived in a room or a room and a parlor? The honest answer is that I would have supported him, and we would rent a bigger house before the wedding.Ā
5. His IQ and mentality:
I wasn’t ready to marry a patriarchal man, one who thinks a womanās place is in the kitchen, or one who would be intimidated by a womanās success. Yes, I believe in the Bible’s standard of marriage where a man is the head, and in my opinion, that means “leading by example and coordinating the family, not in dominating and suppressing the wife.” Also, I wanted a man who has his own sense of reasoning and is not easily swayed by other people’s opinions or advice.
Conclusion
If at first, you think the love I have for my husband is conditional, I hope you now see that it isn’t. I knew that marriage is different from friendship and shouldn’t be entered into blindly. Getting answers to these questions didn’t completely erase my fear of marriage but it empowered me and gave me some level of confidence in my choice. And by the grace of God, I can proudly say that I’m married to the best man on earth and will choose him a million times over.
